Separated But Thriving - Coping With Separation

Separated But Thriving

By Rob Hadley

This information is provided to assist anyone going through separation or divorce. Feel free to reproduce it and use it where you choose, on condition that you include the credit “by Rob Hadley, www.VancouverHypnotherapy.Org”.

Part 8

“I always feel like I’m in the wrong!”

Using our negotiating toolkit.

Some people have a remarkable ability to say and do things that make us think we are in the wrong in the post-marital landscape. They are also often good at making us appear to others as though we’re “in the wrong” or being unreasonable.

When this happens, we ourselves sometimes contribute to the perception unintentionally—not the person “doing it to us.” Our perception is saying I’m in the wrong when in fact what’s happening is that you’re really worn down, tired, and feeling vulnerable.

A little self-doubt can introduce a crushing weight to your shoulders and suddenly the whole world is bearing down on you.

Introduce children to the equation and you have a very nasty mix. It gets to the point where “I look wrong in front of the children.”

If this is familiar, it’s because most people feel like this at some point in their separation. The good news is that the cure is not too difficult to find.

                  I don’t really buy this whole “right and wrong” thing . . .

What we’re really talking about here is perceptions. When we set ourselves up with rigid rules, we perceive ourselves as doing the right thing, being strong, and being firm. That’s fine, but unfortunately the people around us don’t always agree with those rules or they find it hard to live within them. They will proceed to kick them down whenever they are given the opportunity.

As with anything solid and immovable, it’s not that difficult to kick it down! Sometimes we need to introduce flexibility—which any engineer will tell you ultimately makes things stronger. As we’ve said before, being like the mist is better than being like a wall.

Often it’s not really a question of “right and wrong.” The world isn’t made that way. It’s a question of what is acceptable to the other person and what isn’t. And that usually boils down to the packaging.

One horribly common scenario is the parent who dangles something out there for the children, to win their support. If the other parent can be relied upon to shoot the idea down, the first parent appears to have gone to bat for the kids, but his or her spouse shot it down. It’s often about money; it leaves the person exercising common sense feeling like he or she is always the bad guy.

Saying to the kids, “Wouldn’t it be cool to go to Disney World this summer?” only to have the spouse shoot the idea down later results in one parent looking like the good guy and the other looking like a real party pooper.

In reality, what is happening here is a major manipulation of the children by a very unscrupulous parent. It’s a situation that is all too common in the early stages of separation. There are, however, solutions.

            Careful what you say—it might not be what the other person hears.

If you say,
                        “I’m not paying for Johnny to go to Disney World! What are you, nuts?” the person the hearing the words actually hears “You are stupid. You think I’m so dumb that I’m going to pay for Johnny and Jenny to go on a holiday we can’t afford. I’m not dumb—and I’m not going to let you push me around like that!”

What might achieve the goal without so much confrontation is an approach more like this:

“Disney World would be great! I’d love to send Johnny and Jenny, but at the moment I really can’t commit to that expense, even if I wanted to. Can we look at this idea again in 6 months?”

We start with a “softener,“ followed by a “gentle reality check,“ and conclude with a “soft exit.” The objective is to avoid spending money that isn’t there. This approach works as well, if not a lot better, than the confrontational method.

In your emotional toolkit, it’s important to include words that provide you with some flexibility. They may be phrases—and you have to mean them—that you can pull out now and then.

Whether it’s for a spouse who is being argumentative or a child who is commenting on your recent actions, these phrases can help you diffuse the tension and step back from the situation a little.

Toolkit Part #1: Think about it.

“I thought I’d considered this from all sides, but maybe you have something there . . . Let me think about it.” People like to feel their viewpoint is valid, be they children or former spouses—or anyone else, for that matter. Saying you’ll think about a matter where you’ve previously appeared rigid can seem like a concession when, in fact, it gives away nothing at all.

There’s also a remote possibility that they are right. Rethinking gives you a chance to confirm you are approaching something in the correct and most sensitive way.

Toolkit Part #2: Concede something minor.

It’s perfectly alright to give something away so that you can achieve the greater goal. We don’t have to be 100% right all the time. When it involves children, often the superficial things really are what is important. Talk to the kids and see what they really want. They may be more Simpsons than Mickey Mouse.

Toolkit Part #3: Introduce reality.

If something is being suggested that seems completely unreasonable because of costs or any other factor, get the issues onto a piece of paper in front of you.

Discount the emotionally driven issues—they are not going to be arguable. Isolate the financial reasons and the other reasons. Then suggest either a compromise or an alternative. Most important of all is to communicate.

Here’s how it might look.

About your taking the kids to Disney World . . .
I have difficulty with this because
            1. the cost is $2500, which is an expense I really don’t want to commit                               to right now;
            2. if the kids go on holiday, I’d like to be with them;
            3. I can’t get away from work for a few months, at least.

I realize this is not an easy situation. Can we try something different? I’d like the kids to have a holiday with you. I can contribute something to this. I’d also like to take the kids on a separate holiday later this year, if you don’t think that is unreasonable.

At this point, you’ve turned the situation around a little.

• The spouse is reassured she will get time with the children;
• you’ve introduced reality about the costs; and
• you’ve possibly secured the kids two holidays, not one. That’s pretty much win win.

These situations will come along.

• Being focused on reality is the most important factor.
• Next is the ability to concede and be flexible when you have to be.

A final element you may want to keep in mind is that your spouse may be acting in what he or she genuinely believes to be the children’s best interests. The spouse may not consider himself manipulative—even though on the face of it, that’s exactly what he or she is.

This is the time we have to practise our nonjudgmental approach.

It really doesn’t matter why our former spouse acted the way he or she did. Our role is one of realism and, ultimately, a greater kindness. Things will become much clearer as you move ahead. You need not harbour any feelings of anger or resentment over the issue.

Next