Separated But Thriving - Coping With Separation

Separated But Thriving

By Rob Hadley

This information is provided to assist anyone going through separation or divorce. Feel free to reproduce it and use it where you choose, on condition that you include the credit “by Rob Hadley, www.VancouverHypnotherapy.Org”.

Part 6

Defences against Bullying and Controlling Behaviour

Four Key Activities and Their Balancers

You should never allow yourself to be drawn into a situation where you instigate any of the above actions. If you find yourself becoming drawn into a position where you are tempted, simply remove yourself. As you learn to manage the communication channel you will learn to prevent the bullying messages reaching you or hurting you.

No one will criticize you for withdrawing. Everyone will, if you are aggressive.

Each action has its own defence.

Fear

• If you are physically or mentally threatened, the first response must be to create physical distance.
• The second is to even the odds—this is often best done by creating witnesses or allies. This has the additional value of creating accountability for the actions afterward, if required.
• Your third action must be to record the events in your journal while they are still fresh in your mind.

Dictatorial Behaviour

• If someone is dictating to you—forcing you to act by bullying or pressuring you—remain calm and apparently submissive.
• Agree to nothing but appear submissive.
• Then request that his or her demands be put in the form of a list or an email (see managing communication).

The objective is create a situation in which the dictator submits a written (or recorded) demand.

This provides a paper trail and evidence of his or her behaviour at a later date. It also buys time and with luck will allow the situation to diffuse. It’s important to include “and what will happen to me if I don’t do this?” if you possibly can.

Demeaning Behaviour

Continual putdowns and sexual innuendo reduce an individual’s confidence and self-esteem. The person doing the demeaning may not even realize he or she is doing so. The individual may realize even less the effect it may have on his or her spouse. Recording these incidents serves two purposes. The first is evidence of abuse. The second is to help the demeanour to get help at a later date, if he or she agrees to address the problem.

Confusion

Self-doubt created by imposed confusion will affect your ability to make decisions and follow a rational path. Some confusion is the result of turbulent situations and some is imposed by a spouse. The initial component is usually “time pressure”—the suggestion that “you have to act now!”

To counter this, step back.

• Find a sanctuary, be it a church or a beach on which to take a walk.
• Reduce the situation to three basic truths.
• Deal with those, then address the smaller issues if you feel ready.
• Forget the time pressure. It is very rare that you truly have to “act now.”
• Remember, the smaller issues will often wait. Keep things straight in your mind and follow your intuition.

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