Separated But Thriving - Coping With Separation

Separated But Thriving

By Rob Hadley

This information is provided to assist anyone going through separation or divorce. Feel free to reproduce it and use it where you choose, on condition that you include the credit “by Rob Hadley, www.VancouverHypnotherapy.Org”.

Part 1

You may find headings throughout this document that interest you or may. Either way, they are here to help start you thinking about your new life.

If you’ve spent the last 20 years preparing meals for a family of five, you may not need to know about “Caveman Nutrition.” If you are an accomplished accountant, you may want to skip the section on running a budget. This first chapter, however, is important. It lays out the foundation for the process that will help you move through a difficult time.

The Foundation

You will likely always have a relationship of some sort with your former spouse. He or she may be a parent to your child or dependent on you for years to come. Equally, you may be dependent on them.

An important element of the task ahead is to make choices that will not seem derogatory or demeaning with the passage of time. A bad decision or a vindictive approach today may follow you around for the next 20 years. You’ll be served far better by taking a morally strong standpoint, and choosing to act in a fair manner from the start.

As hard as it may sometimes seem, doing the right thing ultimately will serve you well—whatever your feelings of hurt, of betrayal, or of guilt. The acid test as we go forward is always

1. Is it in my best interests?
2. Is it in my children’s best interests?
3. Is it in my former spouse’s best interests?

If just one of your answers is No, it’s a bad decision—3 out of 3 the only right answer.

The Roadmap

Throughout the coming year, you will find yourself somewhere on the following roadmap.

1. Shock
2. Regret/resentment
3. Self-abasement
4. Overcompensation
5. Stabilization
6. Adjustment 1
7. Reconstruction
8. Regression
9. Adjustment 2
10. Acceptance

You almost certainly can’t reach 10 without going through the previous steps. That’s normal. It’s also healthy. You will always be able to manage situations better if you understand where you are on this roadmap—because your position will influence your outlook.

The Non-Aggression Treaty

Course members will learn skills and techniques that may enable them to manage their affairs substantially better than their former spouse manages. It should be remembered at all times that the skills learned during the course are to enable members to manage their separation in as fair a manner as possible, for themselves, their children, and their former spouse.

At no time should the skills learned be used in any malicious or vengeful way. The objectives of this course are to enable all parties concerned to transition out of their marriage in as reasonable a way as possible.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do to manage a gentle separation is to allow the former spouse to move on with his or her life.

The Key Disciplines

These are - Record keeping, Regular Meals, Maintaining a positive attitude, and retaining a Caring approach to others.

These disciplines will help you get through a difficult time. They sound simple but they are extremely important. Just hearing the words is not the same as acting on them - you need to stay focussed on these disciplines even when times are difficult. Ask your self at the end of each day, what have you done regarding each of these areas of focus?

• Record-Keeping

There are four main areas where you must start to keep records. These fall into the following four categories.

1. Support payments
2. Communications
3. Incidents
4. Commitments.

Whether paying or receiving support payments, you should keep an accurate log of amounts, when they are received, and cheque numbers. This information will become vital as you progress.

Recording communications—whether they are in the form of emails, text messages, or phone calls—is important. An accurate trail could prove extremely useful in the event of a dispute or confusion. If you haven’t got one already, you should buy a file folder ASAP from any office supply store and begin filing all hard copies of letters you receive from your spouse or his or her lawyer.

Keeping a log of incidents, should they arise, will help you at a later date. Writing a dispassionate account of where an event took place, who was involved, when it took place, and notes about any witness names may seem like excessive effort; this information, however, particularly where there are custody issues, can prove very illuminating when it comes to illustrating the state of the relationship in court.

Maintaining a log of commitments made and received is valuable when it comes to apportioning tasks around the management of children. If you commit to pick up the children every day from school, log it. If you commit to taking the children to extracurricular activities, log it. These details provide valuable information that may influence custody or support payments and conditions.

Below I've shown a few possible examples of what you need to keep track of. They give you a starting point.

Payments

Communications

Incidents

Commitments

• Regular Meals

However upset you are, you cannot function if you do not look after your body. To function effectively, maintain the discipline of eating healthily to help you overcome the threat of exhaustion.

Sounds simple - however in almost all instances where a person suffers serious depression as a result of separation, they are not maintaining sound food discipline. This is one of the easiest areas for you to succede in, and reinforces all others.

• Positive Attitude

The end of marriage is the start of the next phase of your life. As wounded as you may feel, this start is important. Deciding what you want to achieve and setting your goals are essential to making them happen. Life does go on after separation. You have learned the things you don’t want to maintain in your life. Now what things do you want to introduce—and can you envision ways to attain them?

As the architect of your life, you have to choose where you are going. It is a challenge and an adventure to take ownership of this task and to steer it to the destination you require. Most of all, it is within you to attain the goals you set.

You can best assure yourself of a positive attitude by remaining physically active, working on de-stressing techniques such as meditation or yoga, and by carrying out regular relaxation exercises.

For some people it means walking the dog every evening, for others it means taking up golf. Whatever it is for you, it is an investment that will pay off time and time again.

• Caring Approach to Others

We often define who we are by our behaviour to others. While we are not all saints, we can strive to be a benefit to those around us in many small ways. Whether it is our former spouse, our children, or a complete stranger, by contributing something positive we leave a legacy of kindness in our wake. This is the best form of banking you can ever do.

If you are able to acheive even small victories in this area, you reinforce the fact that you are not the person your spouse may be making you out to be.